Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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