halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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