He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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