Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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