I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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