There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
