I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
