Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
