between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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