I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Life is so much better after having sex.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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