she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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