I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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