If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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