So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
