Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
