fuck your aforementioned shoe
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
