just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
