you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize