He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
