I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
