Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
