ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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