I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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