Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
