Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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