shes about as inviting as chlamydia
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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