Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i've created a new STD.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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