Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
