you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
