you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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