i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
A+ Viking dick
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize