The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
