I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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