I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you had me at cake vodka
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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