I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
