Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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