he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize