I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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