on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Holy shit dude........stairs
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
