giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
