Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
