Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
