apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
