Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
