So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
