I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
