This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
