he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
