I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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