I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
