i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
