Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
