Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
