Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
