my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
