How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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