Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
