I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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